A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
What are you talking about?
Heh, it's from the beginning of Star Wars.
But this is a show about Christmas.
- It's not about space. - They have Christmas in space.
- Ooh, that's cold. - Yeah.
Ohh.
Why can't they just put the warehouse in, like, Maui?
Really? Because I love winter.
I love snowmobiling and snowball fights and, ooh... And hot apple cider.
Yeah, that's because you're from the Rockies.
There's no air up there. Your brain? Not normal.
Really? This from a man who giggles at "Grand Tetons."
You know what that means in French, don't you?
Ow!
Ooh!
Ooh, it's down my back! Oh, who's...? Okay, very funny.
- Who's the child now? - Ooh!
There's bombs around here, you know.
You could damage my tympanic membrane.
It had, like, an arc. It wasn't even a...
Okay, now, this is awesome.
Jingle, jingle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Mmm. - Marshmallow. Good job.
Artefacty Swiss Miss-hap. Tasty blizzard in a cup.
Hey, Claud, so, what's with the twinkle lights?
God bless us, every one.
In this corner...
...weighing in at a hulking 200 pounds would be Joshua Donovan...
...hanging the gloves Ali wore against Foreman...
- ...in Rumble in the Jungle. - Hey, Josh.
- Hey. Heh. - All right, so, what do those do?
- Make you see stars without hitting you. - Myka. Ahem.
That's the original mistletoe. Ahem.
It is rather strong.
- Tetons. - That has to come down.
- I will get that. - This is the first time in ever...
...I actually have people in my life to spend the holidays with.
I figured we'd circle the yule log and eat figgy pudding.
- That's awkward. - Well...
What...? Why?
- We're going home for Christmas. - Sorry, Claud.
Aw. Well, I guess that's all right.
Joshua and I will just hang with Artie Claus.
What have you done to my office?
I got you something very special, and I think you're gonna love it.
- Ugh, why? - It's called a present.
You're familiar with presents, right?
We earthlings exchange them as a sign of affection and gratitude.
- No, no. Thank you, but no, thank you. - Artie. It's a gift. Take it.
Yeah. Come on, Artie. Ho, ho, ho.
All right, look, can we just stop all this merriment?
Come on. Some of these are very dangerous arte...
This is not the holiday counter at Woolworth's.
- You see what I mean? - Ow.
Take it all down!
Oh, Dad, I almost forgot to tell you.
Today at school we had a Secret Santa.
This boy, Matthew, he got me a phone case.
He's never even said hi to me, but he knew my favourite colour.
So I might have to give him a second look.
That sounds awesome.
- Dad, you're working again. - Oh, uh...
- Yeah. Sorry, honey. - That's rude, you know.
I'm all yours now, okay?
Mom's right. You don't listen when women talk.
- Yikes, when did you turn into a woman? - Well, I'm almost at the decade mark.
That's a lot of life experience.
Mm-hmm, yes, I guess you're right. I'm gonna have to keep up.
Hey, why didn't you make the tree trimming?
Mom said you promised.
Well, sometimes Mom makes things up because she's mad at me.
But, uh, I mean, she knew I couldn't make it this week.
I'm up against all these deadlines at the new mall.
I'm... I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Now, you tell this boy, Matthew, that your daddy's got a shotgun.
Okay? And I will be wanting to meet him soon.
Ugh, Dad, don't you dare.
You see? I was listening the whole time.
- I love you, sweetheart. - Love you too, Dad.
Somebody there?
Hey! What...?
What...? What the hell? What are you...? What are you...?
Ah! Sh...
No, no, no! Ow!
Please, stop!
No, no, no. Please...
Ho, ho, ho!
But Colorado Springs has this great light show.
No. North Can has the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
- Vacuum cleaners... - That's not even...
Cancel your flights. All trips are off.
- What? Are you kidding? - It's Christmas.
We got a case.
Well, ugh. Are you sure that it's one of ours?
Well, let's see. Ahem.
Home invasion. The victim reported, reluctantly, that the intruder...
...and I quote, "flew around the room in a cloud of light...
...then disappeared up the chimney."
And this is the police sketch.
No.
You have got to be kidding.
Poor Artie. Must be exhausting to be that grouchy...
...without time off for the holidays.
- You think he was like that as a kid? - Whoa.
I've never actually pictured Artie as a child.
- It's disturbing. - Yeah, it is.
Wait. Haven't I ever showed you this?
- Oh, my God. Look at that. - Ha, ha, yes.
He even looks happy.
Think he came out of the womb with those brows?
He told me that sitting at that piano was his favourite place in the world.
- Wait. Artie plays? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
His dad was a professional musician or something?
Taught composition at Temple. Sent Artie to Juilliard.
But when he went to work for the NSA, his dad never talked to him again.
So how do we put that face back on old Crabby McGrumpy-Pants?
"Glückklavier"? "Glückklavier."
- Glue what to what? - Oh, it's the make of the piano.
Yeah, I picked up a little German at CERN.
- Never heard of Glückklavier, though. - Bro, you're a genius. We'll find it.
- Danke. Find what? - This piano. Artie's favourite place.
The actual piano? Claudia, how?
We are in the object-finding business. Artie grew up in Philly, right?
We'll start by calling piano tuners.
Figure out who worked on Gloocky-Glockenspielers.
What are you gonna do, search every tuner in Philadelphia?
How many can there be?
Well, in the combined 215 and 610 area codes...
...486.
- So we'll split them up. - Pardon?
Come on, guys. Worst-case scenario, we rack up a mondo phone bill.
But if we succeed, we give Artie the most awesome present ever.
Entry keypad, motion sensors. None of it was triggered.
Ugh. And you say he left through the chimney.
I've already entertained the L.A.P.D. for an hour.
They stared at me like I was a nut job.
There any reason the Secret Service needs an encore?
We wouldn't be here if we thought you were crazy.
Ugh. That's pretty narrow to climb.
And I'm guessing Santa's, you know... Bowl full of jelly.
He didn't climb up there.
He whooshed. And twinkled.
Whooshed and twinkled.
That definitely sounds like someone's using something.
Absolutely not. I will take a drug test. I will prove it to you.
- No, no, no. That's not what he meant. - Believe me, guy, you're lucky.
Whoosh and a twinkle is a lot better than a sizzle and a splat.
- Or even worse, a zap and ker-chow. - Pete.
Okay, so, Mr. Newley, do you have any, um, enemies?
Well, I'm rich, successful and thin. That usually pisses somebody off.
No, I meant someone with a motive.
It says here that you're starting demolition on a new shopping mall.
Is there anyone being evicted?
It's just some junky old shops that nobody ever goes to.
And one guy's pretty cheesed. But, you know, it happens.
- Sounds motivational. - Let's go talk to him.
- Let's. - Mm.
- Now? - Yes.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Just slide it under your uncle's butt just before he sits down.
It'll be hilarious.
Go have fun.
Oh, great.
You've got some fancy lawyers with you this time, Newley?
Someone attacked my home. Mr. Wilkie, Secret Service.
Oh. Well, aren't we important?
If you find the guy, send me his name.
I'll send him one of my best rubber chickens.
Funny. Where's the rest of the Santa suit?
- What is that, a fat joke? - Where were you two nights ago?
I was right here, surfing job web sites. I'm getting put out of business.
If you or any of the others have any complaints...
...please take it up with my office.
I am giving you way more than this place is worth.
My father built this place. Keep your money.
Nobody wants another mall.
Mr. Wilkie, stores like this are going extinct.
Cash in while you can.
Right after New Year's, this whole block comes down.
Pete?
Ha-cha-chatta-cha-cha.
- Pete, please don't. - What...? Stocking stuffers.
My kid sister loves these things.
The man's insane. He sells plastic vomit.
Ha, ha, I love that stuff. I should have bought some.
But evicting him after New Year's? Not exactly in the holiday spirit.
Did I mention that we're paying him?
And what has more holiday spirit than a mall?
I mean, people go to my malls to celebrate Christmas.
We have Santa's villages, huge trees.
When was the last time you were in a mom-and-pop store?
I grew up in a mom-and-pop store.
Okay. You know I'm right, then.
God, I thought my staff were in for at least half a day today.
Pete?
What is that?
- That just happened, right? - It's going after Newley.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
This is happening, right? You see this? This is happening?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yes! Ah! - Yes.
Ah!
I've been watching, Larry Noodle...
...and I'm very disappointed.
You're not being the man that they deserve.
These are not what's important.
You seriously pissed that guy off.
Time's running out.
Fix your life, or I'm gonna take it from you.
Goodbye, Larry Noodle.
Ooh!
- That was whooshing. - And twinkling.
- And a little ker-chow. - Oh, my God.
Larry Noodle?
No one has called me that since I was a kid.
Myka? Myka, is it...
...possible that we saw the actual real-life...
- Don't! No. - ...Santa?
Artie, is it possible that...?
That, yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus?
The dude enters and exits through chimneys.
He travels across the room as fairy dust.
Look, Artie, this was the real Santa, okay?
Oh, and by the way, be nice, because Santa is bad-ass.
There really was a Saint Nicholas in fourth-century Turkey...
...and he was known to put coins in people's shoes.
Real Santa. Excellent.
You know, I knew it. Seriously, it explains so much.
You're making a Christmas list in your head.
Maybe.
- He threatened Newley's life. - Well, the guy is a bit of a tool.
Is it possible that someone has an artefact...
...that lets them take the form of Santa?
Well, there are other Christmas legends, um...
...involving darker, imp-like spirits like...
That was Krampus.
And there's also Black Peter.
There are more. I'll keep doing the research.
- Artie, where's Claudia? - My own dark imp?
Yeah, I suspect she's off plotting another holiday surprise.
Too busy making money...
- ...to keep a promise to your daughter? - Now is not a good time.
You said you'd decorate the tree.
I never said that, okay? And listen, by the way...
...I sent over some incredibly expensive antique ornaments.
- Did you bother to give them to her? - Not the same as her dad being here.
I know my daughter, and I know that she happens to like things like that.
- She is an old soul. - And she's getting older.
Another year gone by, Larry. How many are you gonna miss?
I never made any promise. I'm buried with work.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me...
...I, uh, I have two meetings I have to get to right away.
- Why would she lie? - She's my ex-wife. That's what she does.
- She could be behind this. - I got a thought.
Myks, why don't you interview the ex?
Big Lare and I will spend some Q-time with the daughter.
What do you say about that, huh? Come on.
Cancel your meetings. Here we go. All right.
- Here we go. - I... I...
Come on. I hear Philadelphia is beautiful this time of year.
So, as it turns out, calling 486 piano tuners?
It's harder to split three ways...
...when only one of you can pronounce "Glockyglobbenkiller."
- "Glückklavier." - Yes. Anyway.
So, we were about to ditch the whole plan when one of them says...
...this Glucken thing uses special tuning pins...
...only made by one company in Germany.
My kind-of-German-speaking brother gets them on the horn.
They narrow the list to the couple of tuners in Philly who buy them.
- Here I am. - I can't imagine what's so special...
...about an old piano gathering dust in a corner.
- Is there hidden treasure inside? - Doubtful. But stranger things...
Let's see.
Ha!
- Holy bah-humbug, Marley. - It's Marla.
Right. I'm so sorry. Um, it's... Wow. This is just... Artie's... It's my boss's initials.
I can't believe this is really it.
How much do you want? Please say not much.
Let me get Mr. Weisfeldt. He owns it.
Unbelievable. Bro, I found it.
Yeah. Merion Music School. Get your butt over here. Weisfeldt?
You want to buy this piano? Why?
- Claud, are you still there? - Hm?
Aye. Do you hear me? You wanna buy this piano. Why?
You're Artie's father.
What? Oh. I forgot I had these in.
Hearing the little bastards bang out "Moonlight Sonata"...
...no wonder Beethoven went deaf.
Best Christmas present ever.
I love fruitcake.
- Here you go, Daddy. - Thanks, honey.
Man. This looks...
Ow.
I mean...
"How" delicious is this, lassie? Ha! Ho. Ha, ha.
I love it. It's...
Dude, it's not like I baked it.
Oh, thank God. Ugh.
Oh, my God. We have the exact same ornament at my house.
Christmas is a pretty big deal there too.
Kallie loves the old-fashioned ornaments.
She and her father used to scour swap meets.
Back when Larry didn't work every weekend.
Do you have any idea who might be threatening him?
I don't know, maybe a, um... A new man in your life...
...who thinks he might be doing you a favour?
There's no one new.
Have you ever, um, heard anyone refer to your ex-husband as Larry Noodle?
Ha, wow.
Larry Noodle?
I haven't heard that since he was a teenager.
He hated that nickname.
So you guys have known each other for a really long time.
- High school. - Wow.
Yeah.
God, we were so happy when we had nothing.
And then the more successful he became...
...the more that that was the only thing that mattered.
Larry Noodle.
I miss him. He was sweet.
No. No. Oh, no. Forget it.
No, no, no. Excuse me.
- Artie's father. - I can see it.
You have to come. He's your son.
My son? He disappeared for years.
- Who does that? - It happens more often than you think.
- Who are you? - He had to change his name.
- He did that to protect you. - From what? Oh, never mind.
- I don't wanna know. - He'll explain. There's your icebreaker.
My icebreaker? How about I break his neck, huh?
He wanted me to believe he's dead? So he's dead.
Not yet, but soon.
He's dying.
That's right. Artie's dying.
I came here to beg you to see him, to say goodbye.
To your son. Who's dying.
Claudia? Sure you should be telling him that?
- Artie's dad deserves the truth. - I agree. He does.
- But Artie might be a little angry. - If I tell him everything?
- You mean there's more? - Oh, yes.
That Artie's too ashamed to call you himself.
That he's gonna take that guilt to his grave.
- Yeah, but he's... - After he dies?
All right.
All right, you wait here, and I will come with you.
- You are going to hell. - I know.
Kallie said you'd be out here.
You just can't help yourself, can you?
I'm sorry, but I have contracts that I have to close today...
...or the whole deal falls through.
I don't know about agents, but I can't drop everything if I feel like it.
Oh, no, I can relate.
I'm stuck here trying to save your ungrateful butt.
You think I work this hard for myself? I want her to have what I didn't have.
This is all so Kallie gets everything she wants.
Right.
Oh, God, no. Please. Not again.
I'm giving you every chance, Larry.
- Every chance to make things right. - Okay, look.
I don't know who the hell you think you are, but...
Oh, my... Ahh! Ahh!
- What is happening here? - Check on Kallie and stay inside.
Oh, my God.
That happen a lot?
Change your ways by midnight...
...or I'll turn you into the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Okay. I'm officially scared now.
Can you just...? What was the thing with my hand?
Pete, this isn't Santa.
- It's you. - That's me.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ticktock, Larry Noodle, ticktock.
Larry Noodle disappears tonight!
All doors, vents and windows sealed.
No fairy dust getting in. Think this will keep him out?
You're asking me how Santa Claus works?
Okay, look, I was wrong, Artie.
This isn't Santa Claus. Santa's nice. This is...
...Larry Claus.
No wonder he knows everything about you. He is you.
What does that even mean?
Artie, last time he appeared, our guy faded.
- Just for a second. - That's not good.
- Oh, you think? - A duplicate shows up...
...and the original starts to fade?
It sounds to me like you're dealing with some kind of identity transference.
And eventually, your guy might just...
- What, disappear completely? - Okay, please slow down.
Just who the hell are you people?
- People who deal with this sort of thing. - And what sort of thing is this?
Look, Larry Noodle, you either start to trust us...
...or Christmas Eve comes and goes, and you go with it.
All right, listen. Listen.
Just keep him sealed up till after midnight.
Got it.
- Where have you been? - Aw, you missed me.
- I was worried. - Same thing.
- No, it's not. There'd be paperwork. - I have a surprise.
Oh, I knew it. Why can't you and your Christmas gremlins leave me alone?
Come on.
Dad?
I thought you'd be thinner.
Would you, um, give us a minute?
Well, it's been 30 years. What's another minute?
Ow, ow, ow!
Ow! You're pinching, ow.
What have you done? What gives you the right?
I thought you wanted to see him. You wrote him that song.
Song? The piano nocturne?
I would have contacted him in my own time.
He's older than you. How much time you think you have?
You're gonna undo whatever it is you did.
- Artie, he's dying. - Holy mother of God.
Joshua knows too.
He's dying, and he wants to make things right.
He doesn't wanna take this guilt to his grave...
...that he pushed you away.
Go in there and talk to him.
Dad?
It's good to see you.
We brought Glücky.
I see that. Thanks.
Heh. You little pisher.
California Christmas. Blech.
And then there's this guy.
You know, I think about my dad.
If he'd had the chance...
...he'd have been there for every birthday, every Christmas...
...every morning I woke up.
This guy? He has no idea what he has.
My dad was a lot like him.
He was busy. Never home.
Funny thing is, now that we have a good relationship...
...I'm the one that's too busy.
Cat's in the cradle, huh?
Hey. How you doing?
- Hey. - Is he here? Where is he?
- What are you doing here? - You called me.
- Who knew you had a sense of humour? - Newley, get in the safe room.
- What...? - I got the letter.
You called off the demolition. I came as soon as I could.
What letter? This is... Oh, my God. That is my signature.
- He's signing my name now. - What are you talking about? Who is?
- Are you trying to back off on this? - I'm not trying to back out of anything.
Yes, I am trying to back out. This is a forgery. I never sent this.
Okay, Wilkie? It's time for you to go home now.
Please. Okay? Yeah.
You better go home before things get really...
- Newley, look out! - What...?
Ho, ho, ho!
What the hell was that?
- That was... - Twinkle and whoosh.
- And kidnapping. - Help me!
He'd come down the stairs.
What about...? What about Cousin Sylvia?
- Even she found a man. - No.
- Yeah. - With that voice?
Well, he can't hear anything over middle C. So I guess it works.
- My God. - Yeah.
Well, a lid for every pot, huh?
Dad...
I'm really sorry that we lost so much time.
I know. It's a shame.
- And now with so little left. - I know.
Life, huh?
- God's mysterious ways. - Yeah.
You know, I never heard.
- What is it? - What is what?
The annoying girl. I never asked her...
...what you're dying of.
Me? She told me that you were dying.
Hey. You know what I'd like to hear? The two of you play piano together.
- How much fun would that be? - You're not dying?
- Well, don't sound so disappointed. - You disappeared.
- After you disowned me. - You spit on us.
Your mother and me worked two jobs to send you to Juilliard.
You threw it away to work for those fascists?
The U.S. government. They're not fascists.
- Oh, no? Ever hear of McCarthy? - Oh, please.
I couldn't work, because I had family in Russia.
Don't tell me about the family in Russia. I know all about the family in Russia.
- You never had the sense of a dog. - Oh, is that right?
- A dog in the... - Can we just...?
- Haven't you caused enough trouble? - Don't point your guns at me.
- I'm trying to make your lives better. - Who asked you to? You lied.
- How could you say we're dying? - Aren't we all dying?
- Shame on you. You're a liar. - She has no respect at all.
You don't know the half of it. She never does as she's told.
No manners. Know who she reminds me of?
- Trudie. - Exactly like Trudie. The same girl.
She puts her nose into everybody's business.
- Thinks she knows everything. - That mouth.
- God! - She is not yours, is she?
No, God, no. No, no, no. She wasn't even born of man.
She noodged her way into existence.
That's very good. Ha-ha-ha.
- Noodged her way. - You know, she reminds me of Trudie.
- That's what I said. - Yeah.
- Do you remember Trudie's wedding? - Remember? I'm still hungry.
Okay. So Larry Santa took Larry Noodle up to the sky.
Yeah. He said until midnight, so we have a few hours.
Right. So Larry Noodle is still alive if we can find him.
What are you doing?
- Well, he's not gonna finish it. - You will eat anything, won't you?
Okay. So where would his Santa double take him?
I mean, some kind of hideout?
- The North Pole. - We hope not.
All right. And if Santa Newley came out of Newley...
...then where would the real Newley consider home?
Lila's? Uh, Lila and Kallie.
And Kallie collects ornaments.
Okay. So, what are you thinking?
I think I've seen the artefact.
My dad got that for me. He knows I like antiques.
I think he ordered them from Germany or someplace.
This picture of your ex-husband...
Yeah. Larry used to dress up for the neighbourhood kids as Santa.
Kallie loved it. They both did.
- Myka, can I see that for a sec? - Sure.
Yeah, you know, these are old shell casings.
Mm-hmm?
Yeah. Well, uh...
...I might know what this is.
Have you guys ever heard of the, uh, Christmas cease-fire?
You mean during World War One.
All right, well, when I was in the Marine Corps...
...I had a drill instructor. He loved telling this story.
It was Christmas Eve 1914.
I'm not talking, like, L.A. Christmas.
I'm talking, like, Belgian Christmas.
I'm talking, like, icicles hanging off your nose...
...and snow down your pants.
And even though there was no formal truce...
...the German soldiers, they started lighting candles in the trenches...
...and singing Christmas carols.
And then in the distance...
...the British soldiers joined in.
All of a sudden, these sworn enemies...
...who were only seconds before fighting one another...
...were meeting in no-man's-land, between the trenches.
Exchanging gifts. Candy...
...souvenirs and lots of improvised stuff.
If there was ever a moment that could infuse an object...
...and turn it into an artefact...
This would be one.
What do we do? Goo it and see what happens?
No, without eyes on Newley, we wouldn't know which one survived.
Kallie, why this picture?
Well, I love that picture.
Dad was so much fun when he was Santa.
So I guess you were wishing for things to be like they were...
...when your dad was Santa.
- Yeah. Hm. I guess. - It's okay.
I used to make a lot of wishes like that when I was your age too.
That was the last Christmas we spent all together.
Before you guys, you know...
It was the year before he opened his first mall...
...and his business really took off.
"What has more holiday spirit than a mall?" That's what he said.
That's where Santa Newley might consider home.
We have to get to that mall.
Okay. Guys, don't worry. We'll call you in a bit.
We're gonna take the, uh... This.
- We're taking this with us. - Okay. Bye.
And just a cookie.
Cookie.
Bye.
- Ahh! - Look. Your mall.
Please. What do you want with me?
I've given you lots of chances to be a better Larry, Larry.
And you've blown every one.
I'm the man they need, not you.
You never keep my promises. Ha-ha-ha!
But you... You promised that I'd help trim the tree.
- Would that have been so hard? - And you sent that letter to Wilkie.
So you could do the right thing. But you never do.
People deserve better from you, Larry.
Kallie deserves a father who is there.
Now she's going to get one.
Ahh! What are you doing? What is this?
In a few minutes, you will be gone, and then I'll be real.
No. No!
- No! - Goodbye, Larry Noodle. Goodbye.
You gotta admit, the guy's got Christmas spirit.
What? Come on.
Help! He's making me disappear!
Okay. So we know the Tesla won't work.
Last time Newley faded, I touched his arm and he came back.
So human contact stops the process. You grab Newley.
- I'll bag the ornament. - Okay.
Oh, look. Santa's little army.
Aren't they cute?
Right. Nutcracker.
Pete? Pete. Okay. Wait.
Okay. Hold your fire.
- Newley. - What?
Brace yourself.
Ah!
- Nothing. - What was that?
That was plan A not working.
That was the ornament you sent Kallie. She wished this Santa into being.
Kallie wished for me to replace him.
No. No, she wished for the dad that she knew...
...before you became all about work and money.
I did it for her. I mean, she doesn't understand.
She's just a little girl. All she knows is that you are not there.
- There just isn't enough time. - Well, you should have made the time.
The world will be a better place with me instead of you, Larry.
- Kallie will have a better father. - No!
- Leave my dad alone. - Kallie!
- How did she do that? - She's a kid. It's Christmas.
He'll never change, Kallie.
- He'll never make the time... - I don't care.
I want him no matter how he is.
Even if he never comes over. Don't you hurt him.
Please, you gotta give me one more chance. Please.
- Stop it. This is my fault. - No, Kallie, honey.
It's not your fault. I did this. I did this to myself. To us. It's my fault.
I never meant this to happen. It's just that I...
Aw, hell, what good is money if I'm never there, huh?
You keep growing up.
And if I'm not part of your life...
...if I'm just the guy who pays the bills...
...who jokes with you online, then I might as well just fade away.
I don't wanna fade away.
I wanna be there for you.
I wanna be the dad you remember.
More than anything.
Now, Kallie. Your dad needs a hug.
- Daddy! - Ahh!
Daddy!
Oh, sweetie.
Come on, Myka. What did you get me? What did you get me?
No, no and no.
We are not opening our gifts until after dinner.
But I told you what I got you.
I know. Why would you do that?
Do you like it? Do you like it? Do you like it?
- I'm wearing your coat. - Captain Nemo.
I'm freezing.
You are supposed to button it.
- I thought the buttons were decorative. - On you, all buttons are decorative.
- Okay. You know what? - No, no. You're right. As always.
I will buy you some long johns to wear under.
I smell turkey.
My turkey. My turkey.
Oh, son.
- Dad. - Yeah?
Listen, I just... I want you to know, the work that I did, I'm still doing...
...it's good work, Dad.
There's a lot of people better off...
Arthur. You told me it was necessary. I believe you.
Good, because when we started this...
Arthur, enough. You're already getting an A.
- You wanna work yourself down to a B? - All right.
You see...
...it was when you walked away from music...
...that was hard.
I didn't walk...
Walk away from music.
I brought this too. Remember?
- Yeah. - Look at the back.
See, I...
- Finished it. - Yeah.
Well, now. Now you must play it.
No, no, no, not now. Now?
Well, when else? You wanna wait another 30 years?
All right, all right.
You gotta remember, it's a work in progress.
- Yes, it's always a work in progress. - Room for improvement.
- Progress is what it's all made of. - All right.
Your fingering is still a nightmare.
Dad? Dad? I wrote this.
Yeah. Shakespeare wrote plays. It doesn't mean he could act.
You're ruining a perfect moment.
I know, but you're ruining a perfectly good piece of music.
- Shh. - Let me fix the hand.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Here, like... Yeah.
No, no. Dad. Dad. Get your hand away.
Ahh. Yes.
Do not eat the stuffing out of the bowl.
- Why not? It's delicious. - I don't want your cooties.
- Oh! Are you guys doing presents? - Not until after dinner, remember?
I know I'm supposed to wait, but...
Claudia had one made for each of us.
- Merry Christmas. - Oh, my God, I love it!
I love it.
It's the artefact that almost killed each of us.
- How thoughtful? I... - Just shut up and say thank you.
- I know, right? - Thank you. Thank you.
- This one here. - Yep. This one is Artie's.
- And this one is Leena's. - The Pearl of Wisdom.
Hello? Hello? A little help, please?
- I got it. - Artie! Izzy! Soup's on!
You know, I'm sorry that you didn't get to spend Christmas with your family.
Well, thanks. You too.
But, you know, after watching Newley...
...I realised I was already with someone that I cared about...
...and that's what matters, right?
Don't you get all mushy and sweet.
Oh, all right. Ophelia Tetons.
Bam! All right! Let's get this party started, shall we?
Hello. All right, who wants white meat and who wants dark meat?
- Dark, please. - I want white, please.
- You want white? - Yeah.
Somebody is supposed to say some words before...
Are you talking about grace? We call it grace.
Yes, grace. How about the annoying gentile?
- Fine. You wanna join hands? - Uh, no.
Very well.
But she's doing it wrong.
One, two, three.